Grande Dames of Goth #2 – Christine McConnell, Femme Fatale of Pastel Spooks

Like pastels? Good. Like creepy? Even better. Like elaborately-crafted confectionary? Then this lady is someone to look out for.

Or, chances are you’re a member of the lolita community looking for inspiration for your next tea party.

Christine pulls off styles from the Victorian and burtonesque to the candy-floss dresses that inspired the Rockabilly chic, playing at the dainty 50’s housewife image with a creepy, menacing twist.

She is the epitome of a low-key-scary, crafty woman with a glamorous, goth twist to her creations. The point of her videos – as of her Netflix series – is more to inspire people to get creative than to give step-by-step instructions on, for example, how to make a Haunted Gingerbread House. These semi-tutorials start out simple, then quickly take a turn towards the crafting equivalent of participating in the Olympics without any sort of prior training – leaving the audience to essentially go “Wait, what?” while on screen, another combination of cardboard and spiced dough has magically turned into a miniature witchy dream resort. The seemingly effortless perfectionism in which everything Christine creates is presented easily fills one with envy – and awe, and like with any good brew, you keep coming back just to marvel at the beauty of coffin-shaped shelves, spookily repurposed upholstery and cute gothic aprons with embroidery so elaborate that merely looking at them will make your fingers bleed. Then, there’s the downright spine-tingling creations, such as a lifelike cake edition of the H.R. Giger Alien and tea party treats straight out of Alice: Madness Returns.

Yes, that alien head is a cake. And no, that is not Sigourney Weaver, but one can barely spot the difference in badassery.

The audience is awe-struck – and still clueless

No, Christine, I still don’t know how to make my gingerbread castle NOT look like the Cabin In The Woods.

Christine puts a homely, sugary-sweet spin on the goth theme – only edging the subject with all the pastels and pinks and off-white lace – until you take a slightly closer look. She stylizes and mashes the goth aesthetic with the detailed sugariness of a 50’s French patisserie, and, much like other goth icons, the Instagram-famous model herself is very much part of the exhibit. Just look at the promotional photos at her website, which feature images that sometimes read like a pastel counterpart to Elvira – without the sharp-tongued sass.

Enjoy with a cup of rose tea – and a grain of salt

We’ll float, too.

Christine is no actress – there is no goofy mischievous “oh la-la” witchery á la Elvira or mystic charme akin to Morticia Addams emanating from her – she really goes through the notions of focusing on the presentation of the craft itself, and shines in the calm and focus she radiates throughout.

What works well in her YouTube videos kinda falls flat in the Netflix equivalent, where she has to interact with plush puppet characters and an overarching witch comedy plot that feels very much stilted due to her over-professional demeanor that just isn’t quite cut out for delivering comedic lines. If you can look past the performance itself, here are some fun ideas in it, and the creations remain as stunning as always – but overall, From the Mind of Christine McConnell is a weird mix of cooking show, scripted reality and sitcom-esque comedy, and therefore best enjoyed with a grain of salt and a honey-sweetened cup of rose tea on a dark, rainy afternoon. To hide the suspiciously bitter taste lurking beneath…

Games from the Crypt: Dire Grove – the Queen of Hidden Object Games

Hidden Object Games (or HOGs, as we’ll call them) do come with an arguably bad reputation – as cheaply-made, mass-produced, kitsch-y casual games for an audience of old ladies over 65. Not to say they cannot be badass gamers, as the internet’s most famous Gaming Grandma Shirley Curry can confirm.

And nowadays, with market leader Big Fish swamping its webpage with badly-animated and oversaturated games, the point and click-adventure genre seems to have had its day, but is not being left to die with dignity as there is still quick money to make from the booming business of casual games.

One Game to measure them all by

Among reviews of these games, even the ones that fare better with critics, one sentence keeps popping up, usually something along those lines: “It’s decent enough, but it’s not the next Dire Grove.” Which is a game that came out in late 2009. Let that sink in for a moment – it says a lot about the state of the genre.

What did this apparently legendary game do that people still keep comparing other HOGs to it in 2020?

Well, for starters, Dire Grove was one of the very first Hidden Object Games that, in its combination of mechanics, story and atmosphere, managed to do pretty much everything right. The atmosphere is simultaneously gripping and cozy, the puzzles are, more or less, well balanced and overall, the game feels like an old-fashioned, slow-burn murder mystery with elements of (somewhat cheesy, but well-enough-executed) documentary horror. The whole thing has a classiness to it that just makes you dive into it with the sort of suspended disbelief good fiction will take you to.

Here’s the trailer for the Collector’s Edition, in all its cheesy glory:

Dire Grove came out during what we will call the Golden Age of Hidden Object games. The Big Fish publishing company, with lots of trial and error and via juggling an array of mechanics, had crafted the Mystery Case Files series, the first HOG franchise with an overarching plotline, recurring characters and villains and an actual story to tell. The main character, a figure simply named Master Detective, takes their orders directly from her Majesty the Queen of England to roam the UK and investigate cases of vanished villagers and such, and, in the case of Dire Grove, is sent to investigate the disappearance of a bunch of college students at the (fictional) Celtic heritage site ravaged by an unusually strong snow storm.

Snowy Blair Witch

Well, there’s definitely something off about this place. What vintage car owner leaves their prized possession out in the snow like this?

At first, we as Master Detective find the students’ abandoned car, an equally abandoned hotel and a couple of camcoder tapes strewn around the place. Now you explore the lonely site while snowflakes drift across intricately-painted set pieces and hidden object scenes, with the detective giving sassy commentary at every corner. The camcoder tapes, filmed with actual actors in a “Snowy Blair Witch” style, reveals the story of ambitious college graduate Alison Sterling and her quest to prove the local legend about the Banshee of Dire Grove causing the winter that has the nation in its grip.

Snow, peace, quiet. Maybe a little too quiet. At least you’re not gonna encounter annoying NPCs in this game.

The tapes are the only time you meet the students (or, any other human being at atll) in the game, before you find each of them half-frozen and under some sort of icy spell, mumbling incantations. The game has no need for padding out via clue-dropping and awkwardly-characterized NPCs.

The story of the Banshee goes like this: A hunter, a fisherman, a farmer and a blacksmith sacrifice a young woman to appease the Celtic deities and to end an unusually harsh winter, trapping her in a cave where she freezes to death. The ice lady’s spirit, naturally pissed off about said treatment, has taken control of the students to re-enact the legend, find and open the cave via the pieces of an artefact that will set her free to exert her vengeance and turn the world to ice.

How not to prevent bad harvests, Fig. 1

Point & Click Penny Dreadfuls

Sound cheesy? Well, if you’ve played many HOGs, you know that this is about as sophisticated as their storylines get, and Dire Grove goes to greath lengths to provide an experience that feels as realistic as possible. It is chock full with little details that make it so much more endearing to play than the cookie-cutter games that came after it, padding the narrative with brochures to leaf through, book entries to read and letters to decipher that make the game feel well thought out. And yes – there is a lot of reading involved in this game, including the lovingly-crafted and illustrated detective’s diary that updates alongside your progress, entertaining you with the detective’s private thoughts on the case and little hints on where to go next, while dead leaves and snowflakes cling to the paper.

In terms of visuals, Dire Grove is understatedly elegant, using a muted colour palette, knowing best not to rely on overly-flashy colours and ridiculous story twists that feel like reading very bad episodes of John Sinclair. Hidden Object Games, for the most part, are just that – penny dreadfuls in point & click format, reliying on the same tropes, spooks and imagery. Dire Grove, like so few of its kind, is an actual gaming experience.

That said, there are a few hidden gems out there that also deliver on the “gamified gothic novel” premise, and are actually fun to play, delivering solid world-building and a gripping enough atmosphere to keep you playing for a while:

  • The disturbing, doll-populated haunted house nightmare that was Return to Ravenhearst (featuring some imagery including doll childbirth that will haunt you in your dreams for a long time to come)
  • spooky carnival murder mystery Fate’s Carnival
  • and, now for something from a different franchise for a change, Nightmares from the Deep – which is essentially Pirates of the Carribbean 2 – Dead Man’s Chest in HOG format. Arrrr!
  • Mystery Case Files: 13th Skull: A Louisiana-based spinoff of the main series, featuring enough swamps and tropical soundscapes to give you mosquito bites. This one is on the same narrative level as Dire Grove, but far less well-known. Also comes with some Voodoo-based lore.
  • Mystery Case Files: Shadow Lake: Play this one if you’re into cheesy ghost hunter shows (Ghost Adventures and the like, as this contains direct references to it). Not quite as challenging or complex as Dire Grove, but delivers well enough on the premise to be worthwile. Maybe catch it while it’s on sale, though – it’s a wee bit shorter than the other entries on this list.

Death by sequel or Snowy Princess Mononoke

Of course, greatness can not go through extended periods of time without someone trying to rehash it for a quick buck – which is how we got the flat-falling, stereotype-laden sequel Dire Grove, Sacred Grove. Which does come with the aforementioned masses of forgettable NPCs with awkward, automated animations, over-complicated riddles trying to make up for the lack of story content, and over-colourful environments drowning in blue, purple and random folklore kitsch mashed together (mainly Native American things, and as you may remember, we’re still in a village somewhere in the UK). Sacred Grove takes the familiar quiet environment of Dire Grove and stuffs it with a tribe of eco-warrior druids at war with the local villagers. I’m pretty sure you can imagine where this is going. It makes you wish for the quietness of the times when the village was still deserted and you were free to explore it without a bunch of cross-eyed Adobe Animate puppets constantly leering at you from one side of the screen.

What is this, Snowy Princess Mononoke?

Maybe it’s time for the Banshee to return and get rid of all the chattering NPCs infesting the place so that Dire Grove may finally have some peace and quiet again. Because that’s what HOGs are meant to be – casual, chill games to relax and unwind with.

Peace out, folks.